Oh my, it has been a day and an age since I've been here. Since many people have been here. I hope everyone's doing ok. I thought I'd post a dream or two rather, since I barely dream about things twice in a row. It's a very unique and strange occurrence. Perhaps this requires a little backstory. ..
Growing up, I must admit that I never had the father that I've always wanted to have as kid. He was always unavailable and out of touch with his feelings, pushing himself into purely the role of a provider and provider ONLY. The emotional aspect was for my mother. God only knows what kind of effect this had and does still have on me. It's been a while since me and my father have talked and since then, I've had two dreams (or nightmares) that I thought were worth mentioning.
Too often when I visit him, I go into a shell and start to feel my self-worth gradually lowering as very little validation goes on between the two of us. And so it happened in a dream. I'd dreamt that I had two fathers, two of the exact same one except in the dream when I knew one father would be negligent, I expected the other father to be more caring.. But he wasnt. (What can you do).. I'd felt so hopeful only to be letdown twice upon wakening. I thought to myself, why would my subconscious want to experience such bad feelings twice? It felt really strange. And then, I dreamt about it again, having two fathers but they end being the exact same..and feeling twice neglected.
Obviously there is so much more to the story, but I thought I would at least put this out there. These dreams made me painfully aware of what is still underneath. Perhaps something that needs to be talked about. Catharsis in a way.